


innocence died screaming

by loud_as_lions



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Religious Content, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, conversion therapy, religious trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:22:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29169522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loud_as_lions/pseuds/loud_as_lions
Summary: He didn’t think about it, really. At least, he tried not too. Sure, it’d been traumatizing and the prelude to the shittiest part of his life, but he’d gotten though it, and that’s what mattered. He’d talked to Erik about it, of course. They had no secrets between them- one of the many things he loved about his boyfriend. But once they’d done that, it was over. No more discussion of Nicky’s time at... camp. He preferred it that way- the less he talked about it, the easier it was not to think about, and the easier it became to forget it ever happened.Until it wasn’t.-Basically, the conversion camp Nicky went to is being investigated for unlawful therapy tactics and it forces him to finally deal with the trauma he went through there.There is a lot of soft, family and friend bonding BUT there is also going to be a lot of talk of religion and trauma and conversion therapy and some really dark stuff. I'm begging you, read the tags and chapter warnings and please, please, do not read this if it might trigger you.
Relationships: Nicky Hemmick & Aaron Minyard & Andrew Minyard, Nicky Hemmick & Neil Josten, Nicky Hemmick/Erik Klose
Comments: 18
Kudos: 55





	1. remember

**Author's Note:**

> right now this story is rated M and has no archive warnings, but that may change and I will update tags as I go, so please check those if you're worried about that sort of thing!
> 
> i'm always more than happy to summarize a chapter, and I'll do my best to list trigger warnings at the beginning of each chapter. if I ever miss a trigger warning or you need anything summarized, please let me know on Tumblr! I really want this story to be as safe and accurately tagged as possible since it does deal with a lot of triggering stuff.
> 
> blanket warnings for this work are: religious themes, religious trauma, homophobia, canon-typical drinking, partying & swearing
> 
> please take care of yourselves while reading this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is easing us into the story, but it will get much darker and deal with a lot of traumatic stuff. 
> 
> also, I know Nicky and his family are Baptist but I made them catholic for this story simply because I am catholic so I know more about it and because it's my fic and how am I supposed to project accordingly without that detail?
> 
> the only warnings for this chapter is religious themes (which I won't be warning for again because it's the theme of the whole work, really).

He didn’t think about it, really. At least, he tried not too. Sure, it’d been traumatizing and the prelude to the shittiest part of his life, but he’d gotten though it, and that’s what mattered. He’d talked to Erik about it, of course. They had no secrets between them- one of the many things he loved about his boyfriend. But once they’d done that, it was over. No more discussion of Nicky’s time at... camp. He preferred it that way- the less he talked about it, the easier it was not to think about, and the easier it became to forget it ever happened. 

Until it wasn’t.

Until he couldn’t forget. 

Nicky didn’t have an eidetic memory like Andrew did, but he remembered his time at the conversion camp his parents had sent him to more vividly than he could remember anything else. He thought maybe it was because of how badly he didn’t want to remember. He spent countless hours in Germany trying to memorize his time with Erik. His face, how his hair felt in Nicky’s hands, all his birthmarks and freckles, how his voice sounded in the morning. Maybe if he tried hard enough, he could replace the memories of camp with perfect recollection of every detail of Erik Klose. 

It had only worked part way. He had pretty vivid memories of Erik. However, they didn’t overwrite those from camp. Nope, those were apparently stored in a special place in his brain that loved to fuck him up. Probably along with the memories of his parents fighting with him about his sexuality and all the time he spent pretending the conversion camp had actually worked.

Usually, Nicky was pretty good at pushing those memories to the back of his mind. He put all his effort into living in the moment, and being shamelessly himself to spite everyone who’d tried to change him. When they did surface, brought on by anything from news stories of hate crimes to certain common phrases, Nicky smiled through and found distractions. 

Nicky was starting to think maybe Neil had the right idea about Betsy, after all. He’d always liked her, because there wasn’t any reason not to. But he hadn’t offered up tales of his traumatic backstory, either. 

He wasn’t ashamed of his story, and he’d told her that when he’d met her, along with the basics. His upbringing was nice and normal until he’d realized he was gay, and then it wasn’t. He hid, and then when he finally didn’t, he got sent to the Christian camp from hell. Then he’d come back, been miserable and terrifyingly close to the edge… and then went to Germany and life got better. It was no more or less than he’d given Neil when he’d tried to inspire some sense into him, or when Aaron had asked him about Germany and his parents upon his return. He’d gotten sympathy from Betsy, but she hadn’t tried to push it. 

Not until his most recent session, anyway. 

_“You told me once about a Church Camp you went to, Nicky.”_

_“What about it?”_

_“I don’t mean to pry. I just wondered if you’d ever talked to anyone about it, afterward.”_

_“I told Erik about it.”_

_“That you went, or what you went through there?”_

_“I didn’t want to… I told him a little, but…”_

_“You didn’t want to scare him away?”_

_“I told him what he needed to know. What I needed him to know.”_

_“And what was that, Nicky?”_

_“I-I’d rather not…”_

_“That’s alright. You don’t have to. But know that I am here. It’s not good for you to keep it all inside.”_

It was a few hours later that Nicky found out why Betsy had been asking. 

He was in the dorm with Matt, Aaron, and Dan. Nicky was sitting on the edge of Aaron’s desk quizzing him on some flashcards while Matt and Dan were watching TV. Or, more like flipping through channels looking for something to watch on TV. 

“Jesus,” Matt mumbled to himself. Nicky looked over to where his friends sat and saw Dan had a deep frown on her face. Nicky was about to ask when his eyes focused on the television screen. They had stopped on a news channel, covering the exposure of an LGBT conversion camp using “unlawful therapy tactics”. 

Pictures of the camp showed on the screen, video footage of a church, a shabby campsite, cabins, as a newscaster’s voice played over them. The headline at the bottom read “Investigation into South Carolina conversion camp continues”.

All he could hear was static. 

White noise loud in his ears as he stared at the screen. 

_Our father_

Aaron waved a hand in front of his face. 

_Who art in heaven_

The TV turned off. 

_Hallowed be thy name_

The static got louder. 

A hand on his shoulder made him flinch back to the present, blinking up at Matt. 

“You good, man?” The concerned knit in Matt’s brows told Nicky he certainly didn’t _seem_ good. 

Still, he nodded. He put Aaron’s flashcards on his desk without looking at him and stood up. “Screw these. Let’s go out. Can we do something?” He looked from Dan to Matt, then back again. 

The two exchanged looks with each other and Aaron. Dan’s lips were pressed in a fine line that told Nicky she was upset but not planning on asking for now. Matt’s concern remained, but he gave Nicky a tentative smile. “Sure, let’s do something. Should we ask Neil, Kevin, and Andrew to come along?” 

“No, I want to drink and none of them are fun drunks.” He vetoed, and Matt chuckled.

“Okay, fun drunks only. Allison?” Matt suggested. 

Nicky gave him finger guns. “Now you’re getting it.”

“I’ll grab her and get ready. A half hour?” Dan asked.

Nicky grinned and she was off to the dorm she shared with the girls. Matt went to his own room, presumably to get changed, and Nicky turned to Aaron. 

“You can only come if you’re going to be fun Aaron and not shitty Aaron, okay? Because I swear-“

“Nicky,” Aaron cut him off. Nicky blinked at him. “ _Are_ you okay?” 

Nicky’s face softened. Aaron showing genuine concern wasn’t something that happened often and he wanted to melt over it. To pour his heart out to his cousin. But he desperately didn’t want to focus on it; he couldn’t. Especially when Aaron was still not exactly a gay rights activist and talking to him about _this_ might do a lot more harm than good for both of them. Nicky wants to give his cousin the benefit of the doubt, but… He took a deep breath and gave Aaron a smile. “Yeah, I’m good.” _God, is this what Neil feels like all the time?_ “I’m just sick of studying. And we haven’t been out in weeks.”

“We literally went out Thursday.” 

“Thirsty Thursday does not count, obviously.” Aaron rolled his eyes but didn’t push the subject, much to Nicky’s appreciation. 

* * *

They didn’t go to Eden’s, but instead to a local club popular with the PSU students who didn’t go all the way to another city to party. Despite it being a Monday night, it was just the right amount of packed. There was breathing room, and the noise level wasn’t headache inducing, but Dan still held his hand so he wouldn’t get separated on the way onto the dance floor. 

It was exactly what he needed. 

The pulse of the music, the sway of bodies around him, a few drinks in his system to numb the ache in his chest. He longed for Erik and Germany and forgetfulness, but the feel of Allison’s hands on his hips and the smile Matt was giving him over her’s and Dan’s heads as they all danced together made him feel like everything would be alright. The grin he gave Matt in return was genuine. 

* * *

It was only in the aftermath that the lights faded and the darkness inched back in. As he shut his door and flopped on his bed, finding a few missed texts from Erik waiting on his phone. 

Nothing out of the ordinary - their typical good morning/night text as Erik got up for work and readied for his day. But the most recent one, just _“call when you can, liebling”_ left his palms clammy instead of his heart skipping at the pet name like it usually did. Just the stress of the day, he told himself. He forced himself up and got ready for bed quickly, dialing Erik as he returned to his mattress. 

Erik’s voice was soft and gentle and just hearing it brought tears to Nicky’s eyes. “Hi, baby.” Nicky cooed back, his own voice destroyed from singing in the club and the tears burning his throat. 

“Long night, my love?” Erik ventured, at which Nicky let out a dry chuckle. 

“Long _day_ ,” he admitted, the weight of it crashing down onto him again, crushing him further into his mattress. “M’fine, though. Tell me about you. We didn’t talk much yesterday.” 

Erik made a sound on the other line, and Nicky’s brows furrowed. “What is it?” 

“Your cousin Aaron messaged me,” Erik said, as if that was an answer instead of a statement that raised a million more questions. Thankfully, Erik knew him and the way his mind worked. “He was concerned for you. Said you seemed upset after therapy.”

Ah. Well, that… made sense, he supposed. Aaron knew he’d had therapy before they began studying, so he’d connected Nicky’s off-kilter mood to his session with Betsy. He supposed he wasn’t entirely wrong. 

“Nicky?” Erik asked on the other line. 

Shit, he’d been analyzing this too long. “I’m here, sorry.” He let out a small sigh, “It was a hard session today. Betsy…”

“It’s alright, liebling, you can tell me.” 

Nicky sighed again. “She brought up… _camp._ And there was a news story today- I don’t know if Betsy saw it before my appointment or what but I guess they’re finally investigating that hell hole.”

“That’s good,” Erik said, though it could have been a question, maybe a toe testing the water. 

Nicky nodded, though he knew Erik couldn’t see him. He’d developed habits like that over these years of long distance love; they allowed him to pretend Erik was beside him in bed and not on the other side of the world. “Of course. I just… you know I don’t like thinking about it.” 

“I know. I’m sorry, Nicky.” Erik’s voice was velvet and Nicky wanted to listen to it forever. “Did talking to Betsy help at all?”

Nicky sighed. “No. I didn’t really… I couldn’t,”

“I get it. You don't have to tell her anything, of course. She always says that, right?"

He chuckled softly. One of the main reasons Nicky had fallen for Erik was because of how good a listener he was. Nicky had always been talkative, and most people let him know how annoying they thought it was. But Erick was the opposite. He liked listening to Nicky's stream of consciousness ramblings, and made sure he knew it by remembering every little detail and being genuinely invested in every conversation - no matter how one-sided they could sometimes be.

"She does say that, yes."

He could hear the hesitation in Erik's voice as he continued. "But maybe... it would be a good idea, to think about opening up to her."

Nicky sighed again. "I know. I'm just not sure if I'm ready."

"It's been years, my love."

It hit him like a blow to the gut. It had been years. Years since he'd been there, and yet it still sometimes felt like an open wound. "I know,"

"I'm sorry, liebling. I don't mean to push. I just hate you feeling like this, especially when I can't be there to help."

The guilt in Erik's voice made Nicky feel guilty in turn. "I know that, sweetheart. You do help, just talking to me. I promise." Nicky curled up in his bed resting the phone on the pillow beside him and put it on speaker. "Now, what do you have planned for today?"

He could hear the smile in Erik's voice as he began talking about a big meeting he had that day, and how his mother had sent him cookies to wish him luck, those ones that she had showed them to make the first Christmas he spent with them. It was that memory and the sound of Erik's happy voice that lulled him into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't speak any German but according to the internet, "liebling" means "darling". Please correct me if I'm wrong!
> 
> thank you for reading! I hope to get the next chapter up soon, and that posting this will urge me to work faster on it. I always appreciate comments and kudos, and you can find me on tumblr @ magna-sicut-leonum


	2. fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey folks! thanks so much for your responses to the first chapter, they really spurred me on! I've got a lot of inspiration for this fic right now, and ch3 is already in the works! 
> 
> in this chapter I played around a little with formatting and grammar, which is something I love to do and will probably use a lot more throughout the fic. 
> 
> for this chapter, warnings other than the blanket warnings for the entire work are: anxiety & depression
> 
> also, there is a small warning for past self-harm and scars. I say small because it's a tiny detail that stands out to me because I'm the one that wrote it, but I'm unsure if others would pick up on it as such without reading the chapters yet to come.

the next day was almost normal.

he woke early for practice, went to classes, and everything was fine.

he was fine.

sort of.

he was also sort of buzzing out of his skin.

he hadn't felt like this in a long time

not since before he'd gone to germany

during that time, he was quiet, subdued, dull, dead inside.

his thoughts buzzing around

nagging swarms of bees

eating away at his will to live

he couldn't be like that this time

for a thousand reasons, he couldn't.

mostly because it wasn't him anymore, and everyone knew that.

the people in his classes expected him to participate, to smile during their presentations and comment on lectures and get worked up over discussion topics.

his teammates - his friends, now, finally - expected him to be talking about his day, asking about theirs, chattering

chattering

chattering

joking

laughing

alive

alive

_alive_

that's who he was now, who he wanted to be, even if he didn't exactly feel like it all the time.

he knew if he didn't keep up with that someone would notice

they would all notice

and after his slip up yesterday

that matt and dan and aaron all saw

he couldn't let that happen again, or they wouldn't let it go so easily

Nicky loved his team, and how close they had all become after last year, more a family than ever. But there were downsides to living out of each others pockets like the foxes did, and this was one of them. When something was off, it was practically impossible not to notice.

After all they'd gone through just a few months ago, Nicky wouldn't have them worrying over him.

Besides, he was fine. Which, okay, he was saying a lot and he was starting to understand Neil a little better. But he was fine. Like Erik had reminded him last night, it had been years since it all happened and it was over now. He wasn't currently going through it. He'd dealt with this years ago, and he'd let it go.

but hadn't he also panicked yesterday, and gone drinking on a tuesday night?

hadn't he changed a little slower than usual in the locker room that morning, being the last on the court and the last to shower and the last to leave and almost been late to class because of it?

and wasn't he shaking his leg in class like he used to do in church and, and fidgeting with his hands and twirling his pen and really, how many notes had he even taken? had he even written the date on the page? he couldn't remember now. it felt like days ago.

Nicky was thankful for afternoon practice because it would be a few hours of exy and not thinking and just having a good time with his teammates, burning off some of this nervous energy that had climbed its way into his bones.

it was harder this time to change out in the locker room, but he always did, and if he didn't today someone would notice, they would say something or ask something and nicky couldn't, he couldn't.

so he didn't. he changed out in the locker room like every other day, surrounded by his friends who were talking and joking and it wasn't a big deal because he was fine. he was safe, and everything was fine.

and on the court everything was fine.

better than fine, actually.

the only thing in his brain was exy and he was slamming into his teammates left and right making blocks and passing and he was on fire he was on fire he was on fire

logically, nicky knew he was good at exy. he also knew that wymack wouldn't have recruited him to the foxes had andrew not made him part of the bargain. he was never good enough to be scouted on his own when he'd been in high school, he was just a kid who liked the sport and had fun doing it. exy wasn't a lifeline to him like it had been to the others, not before palmetto, not before exy was synonymous with family.

he wasn't as good as the others, maybe even the worst on the team if you really sat down and compared stats. but he was still good. good enough to be playing at the collegiate level, good enough to be here.

he knew that fact was often overlooked because of how he acted off the court, and how he'd rather have fun than win a scrimmage, or tease his friends than listen to plays. he even overlooked it himself sometimes. forgot that exy could be more than fun.

that it could be power

and strength

and adrenaline.

it occurred to nicky that it was when he lost himself in the game like this he proved himself to the others. his teammates and opponents.

to jack and sheena, who antagonized him at every turn.

to kevin, who never pushed him as hard as the others because he thought he was a lost cause, a weak link to plan around.

to show wymack he hadn't made a mistake taking him in.

to show himself that... what? that he could play through the pain? that he could be strong? be a man?

maybe it was all of it.

maybe it wasn't any of it.

maybe it just felt good to get out this aggression that came out of nowhere

the frustration and anger and pain and the deep need to fucking do something with it all

it felt good.

it wasn't until he yanked off his helmet at the end of practice that he snapped out of it.

The tension in his shoulders melted away and Matt was grinning at him, clapping his shoulder.

"Damn, Hemmick. You were a beast out there." Matt praised.

Nicky smiled and it wasn't forced. It felt good. It felt like he was in his own skin again. He was exhausted and sweating and already sore and it felt so good. "Just trying to catch up to you." he quipped, and Matt blushed. He loved complimenting Matt because no matter what it was about he was bashful and humble and excited about it.

Matt clacked his stick against Nicky's and they made their way to the locker room.

He changed out and showered without thinking, and just like that, things were back to normal.

He was fine.

Everything was fine.

Later that night he caught up with Aaron. He was studying again, and Nicky smiled, remembering how hard it was just a few years ago to convince his cousin to even do his homework. It wasn't until he was sober and he'd decided he wanted to be a doctor that Aaron developed a work ethic when it came to school. He stood there for a moment, waiting for Aaron to notice him, allowing the pride to swell in his chest.

Aaron finished the flashcard he was writing and then turned to Nicky. "You just gonna stand there?"

Nicky chuckled, going over and leaning against Aaron's desk. "I talked to Erik last night." he said slowly. He never knew how it was going to go, talking about Erik around Aaron. But, he'd reached out to Erik, hadn't he? Maybe that was a good sign.

"Don't you do that every night?" Aaron said, voice bored. He wasn't as good at seeming uninterested as Andrew was, though. His eyes gave him away.

"I do," Nicky nodded, "but it's not every night he brings you up. Said you texted him."

Aaron said nothing, just fiddled with the flash card still in his hands.

"I didn't even know you had Erik's number."

That got Aaron's attention. "You gave me like six different ways to reach you in Germany before you left for the summer."

"I know, I just didn't expect you to save them in your phone."

"Yeah, well," Aaron shrugged, "Didn't want to have to keep a stupid piece of paper around or anything."

Nicky's heart was fluttering in his chest. It was such a small thing, something a different person in a different family would have thought nothing of. But this was Aaron, and this small gesture was much more than he'd come to expect from his cousin. He was overwhelmed.

"Erik said you were worried," his voice was soft, quiet, like someone speaking to a wild animal. That's how it felt. He didn't want to spook him. "about me,"

And that was it. That was the part he couldn't believe, even still. He knew Aaron cared about him. At least, he always told himself he did. But it was so rare for Aaron to _show him_ , that seeing it in action felt sort of surreal.

Aaron didn't look at him when he spoke. "You were acting weird," he paused, "weirder than usual."

Nicky chuckled. "I know," he admitted, "but I'm okay. I had a hard day, is all." Not technically a lie.

Aaron nodded, still not looking at him. Nicky reached his hand over and touched Aaron's shoulder gently. "I appreciate your concern. Really. Thank you."

That warranted eye-contact from his cousin. A solid look as he assessed Nicky's face, maybe to make sure he wasn't teasing him or lying about being fine. It was fair, Nicky was rarely serious like this, even when he was expressing emotions to his cousins. It was so much easier to be rejected when you knew you were being over the top about it.

After a few moments, Aaron said "Sure, man." and dread began filling Nicky's gut because how the hell is he supposed to take that what sort of response was that at a time like this? But then he spoke again, "Will you show me that memory trick you were telling Matt about at dinner? All these bio terms keep getting screwed up in my head."

Nicky blinked at him for a moment. Aaron had been paying attention to something he'd been saying at dinner. He thought something Nicky knew had value and could help him. He thought Nicky could help him. He wanted Nicky to help him. He...

Nicky swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. "Yeah, sure thing."

And for a while, he really was fine.


End file.
